In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them

Praise for In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them

“This is a well-organized and comprehensive guide for improving relationships.” —Library Journal

“Reading Stan Tatkin is like listening to your favorite wise uncle armed with the latest developments in brain research. Smart, practical, blessedly specific, In Each Other’s Care asks: What would our relationships be like if we remembered, even in stressful moments, that we are actually in a relationship? When we feel threatened, we lose each other and revert to I, me, mine—forgetting, that our very well-being depends on the emotional ecosystem we’re a part of. Stan reminds us that taking care of one another, of our union, is taking care of ourselves. He offers actionable tools, like how to speak up and care for your partner at the same time. This book is a revolution. It has the power to transform your relationship and your life.” —Terrence Real, New York Times bestselling author of Us and founder of the Relational Life Institute

“Solidly grounded in cutting edge neuroscience and attachment research, Stan Tatkin’s new book, In Each Other’s Care, is a wonderful, clear, practical book that challenges its readers to get serious about truly nurturing their adult love relationships and shows them how to do it. Informed by his extensive experience with countless couples, Stan Tatkin takes head-on the conflicts that not only threaten to break a relationship but can also sour it, leaving partners resigned, embittered, and feeling alone, pining for the lost intimacy of earlier days. This book is knowing, loving, and no-nonsense, challenging us to do what it takes to nurture our adult romantic love relationships. In a non-sentimental way, Stan says if you want your relationship to survive and thrive, it is in your self-interest to take care of your partner and learn how to interact when conflicts arise.
“This is for after the infatuation and early in love have gotten you in a serious relationship or marriage, when ‘in love’ turns into love and being in a committed relationship, and conflicts arrive and stay. Stan Tatkin is serious about the hard work needed and challenges us to give up our pet peeves (usually about our partners), look at ourselves, and together with our partner(s), do the hard work of the relationship.
“Stan Tatkin means business. This ‘purpose-centered, action-oriented’ book takes every imaginable typical conflict committed partners get into, analyzes them, breaks them down, and actually answers the question: Why is this happening? And then he concretely and in step-by-step detail describes ‘the correction,’ i.e., what to do—not what the partner must do, but what I must do, and what we must do.
“Follow these concrete, eminently understandable and doable steps, and you will have a solid relationship and a loving, grateful partner. Save the complaining about your partner for your friends. As a couple, roll up your sleeves and get to work. In it together, in each other’s care, this is a wonderful, practical, no-nonsense resource for those serious about wanting their love relationship to endure.” —Diana Fosha, PhD, developer of AEDP and editor of Undoing Aloneness and the Transformation of Suffering into Flourishing

“In In Each Other’s Care, Stan Tatkin, with the voice of a brilliant, compassionate master therapist, deconstructs with clarity and insight how to repair the often-paradoxical vulnerabilities of relationships. Through poignant examples, we learn the power of presence and attention in recovering the important role of mutual safety in fostering the recovery of the shared trust that enables couples to co-regulate and their relationships to flourish. The message is brilliantly insightful—both partners must experience safety and trust in their relationship. Without this mutual trust, their ability to fulfill their biological imperative of connectedness will be compromised.” —Stephen W. Porges, PhD, distinguished university scientist, founding director of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University Bloomington, and professor of psychiatry at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

“Since, as couples, we are ‘in each other’s care’ and since, according to the author, we are all difficult to live with, it makes sense that we need a guide to help us take care of each other. And that is what Stan Tatkin, a relationship scholar and seasoned therapist, has provided. If you find yourself in one or several of the conflict scenarios he has provided, you have a ready-to-hand guide for its resolution. If you do not find yourself there, the solution process applies anyway, and we encourage you to use it. We recommend this book to all couples for achieving their optimal care of each other.” —Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, authors of Getting the Love You Want

“Dr. Stan Tatkin’s brilliance as a practitioner is his ability to see past the ‘content’ couples present—the disagreements, slights, and intractable arguments—to diagnose the underlying dynamic: Are you a secure-functioning couple or not? And if not, why? In In Each Other’s Care, Tatkin outlines how to both achieve and then concretize a commitment to being secure-functioning, and moves readers through typical scenarios that threaten relationships, like thirds (infidelity, illness, addiction, distancing), a tendency to act as a single (bullying, dominating, acting unilaterally), and avoidance. What he’s ultimately offering are tools and scripts for redirecting all of us away from our desire to be ‘right’ back to the sanctity and health of our relationships, because by protecting each other, we are ultimately protecting ourselves. In Each Other’s Care should be required reading for anyone who wants to build skill in love and intimacy and experience true interdependence with the person they’ve chosen to do life alongside.” —Elise Loehnen, author, host of the podcast Pulling the Thread, and former chief content officer of Goop

“If your partnership needs a visit to the repair shop, read this book. With Tatkin’s wisdom and experience, your complaints may finally come to rest and you’ll be laughing together again. People in happy partnerships live over five years longer. Tatkin may even extend your life!” —Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Anatomy of Love and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute

“Inclusive, practical, and inspiring! Stan Tatkin is a master at his craft. In Each Other’s Care has the recipes we need for effective repair, healing, and a happier life. This is a gift you will be genuinely thrilled to give to yourself and your relationship.” —Elisha Goldstein, PhD, psychologist and author of Uncovering Happiness

“The best question you will have after reading this book is: What will we do with the money we saved by not going to couples therapy? The second question you will ask is: How did Stan know he was talking to us? Stan has probably heard every marital problem on the planet. His knowledge, skills, and intuition will x-ray specific marriage problems and then go one better. You find solutions to specific problems and then function as a team to create loving resolutions. There is a lot of pain from unfulfilled dreams. But Stan gives you the escape hatch from that pain to an inspired future. I’m proud to recommend this marvelous book.” —Peter Pearson, PhD, cofounder of The Couples Institute and trainer of couple therapists in 63 countries

“To improve appearances, use a mirror. To improve relationships, use an expert guide. In this book, renowned couple therapist Stan Tatkin presents the essential principles and practices that enhance relationships. Want advice that is easy to understand and readily applicable? In Each Other’s Care contains practical solutions to the problems that couples commonly encounter.” —Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD, director of The Milton H. Erickson Foundation

“Good relationships require a lot of work. But what kind of work? What are the skills and tools required to successfully negotiate and sustain long-term love and commitment? This insightful and engaging book offers the insight and concrete direction required to keep intimate relationships vibrant and healthy. It is an essential guide designed to help couples gain mutual respect, acceptance, and shared appreciation. For those committed to deepening and expanding the love they share, this book offers tools and guidance toward doing just that.” —Robert Weiss, PhD, LCSW, author of Prodependence

“In Each Other’s Care, by Stan Tatkin, is the most comprehensive book for couples I’ve seen anywhere. It addresses numerous life dilemmas—money, kids, messiness, prenups, cheating, arguments, and more—with warmth and understanding, and offers readers practical suggestions and solutions to them.
“Couples wanting to ‘get along’ better, become more intimate, heal from slights or wounds, and develop better ways and skills at interacting will find it extremely useful. Tatkin is careful to ensure that each person in the couple feels safe and open.
“As a couple therapist working with a primarily LGBTQ clientele, I was particularly struck by this guide: most books on couples address heterosexual couples either mainly or exclusively, and Tatkin’s work is designed for all couples, no matter how they identify. That, combined with the excellent, useful content, makes this book a significant contribution to the field.” —Rick Miller, LICSW, couple and family therapist specializing in LGBTQ-related issues

“Only an exceptionally skilled and experienced couple therapist could have written this book! Be sure to take this journey as Stan exposes all the many ways partners hurt and challenge one another. And then apply his lens to rise above these conflicts, prevent unnecessary pain, and create a loving and secure-functioning union.” —Ellyn Bader, PhD, cofounder of The Couples Institute and co-creator of The Developmental Model of couples therapy

“Our expectations of love relationships are more demanding than at any time in history. If ever there was a manual for how to create and keep a successful, long-term, committed relationship that’s sexual over time—this is it! With great precision and clarity about the psychobiological patterns that drive people in committed relationships, Tatkin illuminates an explicit and skillful approach that demands that all parties meet the conditions necessary to create a securely functioning relationship. In Each Other’s Care is a love letter that should not be missed!” —Alexandra Katehakis, PhD, author of Mirror of Intimacy

“Stan Tatkin to the rescue! In Each Other’s Care offers thoughtful solutions to the greatest hits of what brings couples to therapy. It’s organized in a way that saves time and sanity: partners can go to the page where Stan explores whatever issue they are interested in and learn different ways to view it and handle it. It’s an excellent resource for any couple looking for another tool to add to their secure-functioning arsenal.” —Kara Hoppe, MFT, coauthor of Baby Bomb

“Stan Tatkin’s new book, In Each Other’s Care, does exactly what it says it will do—it teaches readers to care for their partner, even when it’s seemingly impossible, like in those times when arguments and disagreements create a breach that seems too great. Tatkin shows us that when we turn toward our partner, and if we follow the cues, we can learn to take care of ourselves as well as the one we love. For anyone who has ever been in a relationship and knows the difficulties of making corrections after a conflict and how hard it is not to blame the other, this book shows us exactly how to repair even the biggest disputes and differences. In his most important book yet, the author brings his many years of experience with couples and his commitment to his own long-term relationship to show readers how we, too, can learn to grow closer to our partners. We see in each chapter common complaints we all experience and ways to turn things around to create the most desirable intimate and long-term connections. Everyone needs to read this book.” —Tammy Nelson, PhD, sex and relationship therapist, TEDx speaker, author of Open Monogamy, and host of The Trouble with Sex podcast

“This is the guide couples have been waiting for! In Each Other’s Care feels like a warm, accessible, and personal conversation intent on saving us from a world of hurt, one couple at a time. Only a master clinician like Stan Tatkin could distill what is known about secure attachment, self-regulation, and the neuroscience of threat and safety, and offer it up in bite-size nuggets of truly useful wisdom for couples and therapists alike. Chock full of actionable steps to go from conflict and frustration to a secure two-person team, Stan Tatkin’s latest gem has my highest recommendation for anyone seeking better relationships and a more secure-functioning society.” —Cheryl Arutt, PsyD, clinical and forensic psychologist and author of Healing Together: A Program for Couples

“We forget that creating secure relationships is like copiloting a plane. If one partner goes unconscious or acts erratically consistently, all passengers are in for a world of hurt. Stan covers almost every conceivable conflict situation with explicit scenarios that guide us out of everyday swamps. Transparency is crucial but unlikely if partners don’t actively collaborate to reduce shame and fear. Stan teaches us how to satisfy mutual needs by reading bodily signals, listening keenly, and responding quickly.
“The only downside to reading this book is that you’ll wish you’d read it sooner! I immediately used some of Stan’s suggestions with my psychotherapy clients and my husband. I love Stan’s passion for the highest quality relationships possible and his courage to tell us we’ll have to work ceaselessly, take risks, and compromise to bring our shared plane to a safe landing.” —Susan Warren Warshow, LCSW, founder of DEFT Institute and author of A Therapist’s Handbook to Dissolve Shame and Defense